So this thing that we do when we hear about who did what to who and who did this and that is a load of bullshit really. Because who hasn’t made a mistake before? & who hasn’t done something they weren’t necessarily proud of? Never be afraid to make a mistake. Never let what others say about you dictate how good or bad of a person you are. When you get judged, when you get talked about… think to yourself, this is what’s going to make me stronger… this is what’s going to make me grow. While people are so busy talking about all of your faults, they’re too busy to realize their own.
It’s been months since we decided to leave & I’ve declared my independence in a place I call reality. i find myself living away from this chaos that my heart & mind are used to, in hopes of finding myself. I will begin to think about my life, my self, my world. Although I feel like I’m the one who came out the victor, I am still shaken from past memories that embellish my thoughts until this day.
It is your heart I can no longer fill. Years of you & months of nothing can make a girl like me go crazy. But like anything else, the you’s & I’s will become old news. We are still fighting for front page attention & I will be the first one to lay out the punch. I remember how high my expectations were from our relationship. How high & insanely ridiculous my thoughts became. I knew exactly what I wanted this to be. It was like dreaming something into life. I was only running ahead of myself & my legs caught up with me once I took my eyes off of our present state of being. Now here we are, burying what we had & letting go of the friendship that we once shared.
But I dare not to forget about the years we spent at arms length. They were our better years… the only ones I’d only care to remember. It was waking up every morning knowing that I was going to see your face, hear your voice, see an electronic love letter in my inbox, & read a good morning text. It was how we skateboarded in parking lots, listened to music in our cars all night, laughed until our stomachs hurt, watched movies until we fell asleep, talked all night about everything & nothing… walks home & long hugs goodnight. If only we never had to go home, we’d have so much more to enjoy. My college years wouldn’t be the same without you.
It kills me that you can’t be in my life anymore & I have nothing else to blame except for myself. Before I had anything clever to say about how happy I was or repay you for all of the wonderful things that you did for me on a daily basis or show you any of the love & affection that you gave to me, our predestination had ended. I’m sorry we cut our forevers shorter than what we had hoped. & I’m sorry I couldn’t do half of the things for you that I know that I could do for you now.
You always considered me a hummingbird… always on the move. I am always searching for constancy, but the only constant in my life is the yearn for change. I just wish I could go somewhere where change would bring me constancy. Routine days wouldn’t be so bad after all. Regardless, I want us to be okay — A long term okay. Something that can surpass just a couple of years and a few good holidays. We could fold into gravity & fall deep into the ground. Watch the world cave in before us & weave us into another galaxy. This city was never big enough for us and our crazy ideas.
The heart on my table needs to be broken, but I don’t have the heart to steal its memories. I don’t know what time wants to tell us… why things happen the way they do. Thank you for teaching me. For giving me the highest of standards to look for in the next guy. And for the amazing friendship that I could never dare to forget. Thank you for being the wonderful, amazing you. I hope you find someone who has the power to break your heart… but never will.